Clare's Out For Summer...and How Jonathan & I Have Failed As Parents

Last week I posted about my baby, Laurel, turning two.  I still can't believe that she's grown so much.  When Clare turned two, I was a few months away from giving birth to Laurel, and didn't really have time (or energy) to reflect on how quickly she was growing.  And then, I blinked.

This is Clare on her first day of preschool.  Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen?

This is Clare today, on her last day of preschool.  She's still the cutest thing you've ever seen, but she's a much more grown up version of her prior self.

Clare is one of those rare individuals who excels in most situations.  She never feels like a duck out of water, or that she's just not cut out for something.  I LOVE this about her and encourage this part of her personality as much as possible.  Her confidence is unreal, and she is able to be confident while maintaining grace and humility.  She is empathetic, kind and loyal.  I am very proud of the little person she is.  

School was no different for her, in that regard.  She walked into preschool without a fear in the world.  She was excited to make new friends, learn new things, and grow in her independence.

Today, as I dropped her off for her last day, the excitement in the air was electric.  The teachers were excited, the kids were excited, and there was an arsenal of bounce houses and celebratory tools to add to the last day of school feeling.  I LOVED being there.  I felt like I was in school again and was getting ready to enjoy a summer of sleeping in, fighting and playing with my brothers, hanging out with my friends, nursing numerous sunburns after hours of laying in the sun (even after my mom "nagged" me time and time again to put vats of sunscreen on to protect my skin, and promised I'd thank her later...oh how I wish I'd listened to her now).

At the same time, it hit me.  This is the beginning of Clare growing up.  As I type this, Clare is at school making her own "last day of school" memories, and before I know it, she will be in elementary school, then middle school, then high school, and then at some wonderful university somewhere, beginning to make a life for herself.

So, you might be wondering what any of this has to do with the second part of the title above, "How Jonathan & I Have Failed As Parents".  Bold words, I know.  Now it's time for a confession.  Grab a cup of coffee...this is going to be my therapy session, and you'll need to bear with me.

Clare's teachers gave me her "bag" when I dropped her off today.  It is a collection of her work, month by month, throughout the school year.  When I got home, I excitedly started looking through it.  It has pictures of Clare next to the projects she created.  It has her quotes, paintings, report card...and journal.

The journal is how her teacher would communicate with parents.  She would leave us little notes every week or so and they would tell us about the day, things Clare said or did, etc.  We were encouraged to respond to them.  And I did...until the end of January, when I guess I just stopped.  I don't know what happened, I just hadn't really looked at the journal in a really, really, really long time.

In May, the school hosted Grandparents day.  Sadly, none of Clare's grandparents were available to be there.  It was on a Tuesday, during school (and work) hours and was an opportunity for the kids to honor their grandparents.  I work from home so that I can always be present with the kids and I talked to Jonathan about whether or not parents should go. Considering the day and time, Jonathan and I didn't think it was that big a deal and kind of thought it was more an opportunity to thank the grandparents who were able to go.  Boy were we wrong.

When I got to school that afternoon to pick Clare up, the play area was suspiciously empty and the teachers looked exceptionally tired.  I met Clare and one of the teachers warned me that the kids hadn't napped because of all the festivities and that most of them went home early with their families.  This was my first indication that I had messed up...royally.

Then Clare said goodbye to the ONE other child there, and came over to me looking sad.  She said, "mommy, when we were on stage doing our performance, all my friends waved to their mommy and daddy, but I looked for you so I could wave and you weren't there."

Huh?!?!  On stage?  Performance?  What?  So I held back the tears that were about to fall and told her that I was so sorry and that I must have just been confused because I didn't understand that there was a performance and that I was supposed to be there.  I thought it was just a little celebration for grandparents in the garden.

Fast forward to my reading the journal that I have neglected since January.  The entry for that day reads, "Today was super fun.  We went out to Abba's Garden and Clare adopted a Grandparent who watched as she made a craft (frame).  She ate lots of goodies and chips.  Of course when it came time for the performance, Clare sang out and entertained the crowd in the Sanctuary.  Wow, she was amazing!"

This is what I see when I read the above, "Your kid is awesome, gave the performance of a lifetime, excitedly crafted for her loved ones, and you weren't there.  Lucky for you, someone who cared enough to be present at Grandparents day made themselves available to your special child and allowed her to adopt them.  Clean up your act Dease...this time is flying and you're missing the important stuff.  Oh, and by the way, you'd probably have known this was a big deal if you ever read your child's journal.  You've failed as a parent."

Seriously - how did I miss that performance?  I will never be able to see Clare entertaining the Sanctuary on that day.   And how was it that MY child needed to adopt someone because I wasn't there for her?  Oh, and how have I not read one journal entry since the end of January?  That is not alright and I am so sad.

Bottom line...I am going to ROCK the whole parenting a kid in school thing next year.  You say Grandparent day and I'm there.  In fact, I'll be the one adopting other people's kids.  I'll encourage those little crafters in ways you can't imagine.  You will not find a journal entry without a funny response from this mom.  I will not get lazy in my mom duties as the year goes on and I begin to sink under the pressure of my job, the kids, the house, the yard, the dog, the husband, etc.  Just wait friends...this mom is kicking it into high gear and you won't believe your eyes.

Good thing I've got the summer off to prepare for the new and improved me!

Next week I'll share details of the girls' dance recital...where Jonathan and I began to rebuild our relationship with Clare by actually attending (ha!).